A Walk on the Beach

My boyfriend and I decided to take a walk on the beach tonight which led to deep conversations as we looked up into the night sky. He proceeded to ask me what love was. I was taken aback by the question and pondered it a while. I finally told him that I was going to go by the water line for a bit and I gather my thoughts. As I was thinking about love, I thought back to the moment I fell in love with Kendrick. I was scared as hell. All these feelings, thoughts and emotions were surging. I would try to open my mouth to speak but nothing would come out. I had so much to say yet I couldn’t say a thing. So I cried in his arms for a while every time those feelings came up I didn’t know how to handle them, or the bigger question was did he feel these things too? I thought for the longest time a year or two ago in a previous relationship that I loved Joe, but after feeling what love is I am positive I didn’t love Joe. Our relationship wasn’t spontaneous, and it faded easily once I became vegan. Love doesn’t fade, it gets stronger. I judged him for not accepting my veganism and he in turn judged me, it eventually went down hill quickly. Judgement ruins relationships and is not present in love. 

I am very emotional around Kendrick and I’m sure love has heightened the already intense emotions I experience. I believe I feel emotions more deeply than most which is a gift and a curse. I can feel others pain however I struggle coping with mine sometimes. 

****

After gathering my thoughts and watching the tide kiss my toes, I went back to our spot sat down and hugged him as I told him my sporadic, brief definition of love. (I started by saying I’m much better expressing myself in writing but I would give it a shot) I think love is bliss, sometimes I feel like I’m melting. It is a deep feeling of connectedness with a person. It’s selfless because in love you’ve learned to treat someone as you would treat yourself. I had other things I wanted to say yet they escaped me at that moment but I’ll include them here… I watched the tide ebb and flow and saw wave in particular that was coming in at full speed towards me. I knew if I didn’t get up fast it would crash into me and I would be drenched and cold. I thought love was like being on an edge about to fall with exhilaration pumping through your veins just at the thought of the person. Love races at me and I try to grasp it with open arms but I can never catch it, it escapes me every time and leaves me breathless. This man can put a smile on my face before I go to bed even though we are 100 miles apart. The sense of connection doesn’t go away just because we aren’t physically nearby, that is my favorite part of love. I’ve lacked connection throughout my life, people have just seemed to come and go like a revolving door staying for a short time and then saying their farewells. I read a quote recently saying: “never say goodbye because saying goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting.” (peter pan) I’ve said goodbye to my past for good and as much as I want to go away and forget about it I never will. It has its way of creeping up into my pleasant life now and holds me back. My best friend at college might not be coming back and we told each other we aren’t going to say goodbye it’s just a see you later…but I hope that’s all it was. My boyfriend, Kendrick, is leaving for the air force another farewell that hopefully doesn’t turn into a goodbye… My two best friends from treatment, one has been smoking weed and I forced myself to say goodbye to her because she was hurting herself and the other I don’t feel close to. My parents, I’ve never trusted, they’ve always forced their views on my life. Every aspect of my life was judged, criticized and told could me improved upon. 

Kendrick went on to tell me his definition of love. He said that love is more than just a feeling, it’s not wanting to be without someone. It’s looking past all their flaws because you want to be with them despite their downfalls. You know you can physically be without them but wondering if you can live without them. Love is all about trusting someone completely with everything. Love can only be felt with certain people and once you feel that with someone you don’t want to let it go.

I struggle with trust. This is where my past refused to remove it’s grip on my life. I used to feel and be told I was a second choice. I had never felt what it was like to be someone’s one and only. I’d only dreamed of that. I’m starting to learn to feel that now. I’ve been hurt too many times to fully trust someone. I can give my heart to someone but still have reservations which stem from my own insecurities. I told Kendrick when he asked me if I trusted him no because I don’t fully, though I wish I did. I do trust him more than any other person in my life but when it comes to girls I have never trusted any guy. It has little to do with them and a lot to do with myself. I can say with confidence that I trust myself and I love myself. I’ve been through hell, and I trust my actions to the fullest. However, I struggle to feel love from another consistently. I often find myself wanting to be reassured. I have abandonment issues, I’m damaged goods. He didn’t know what he was getting into but he loves me regardless. I’m thankful for the moments where I feel love deeply because it moves me. I should be able to trust him completely now that it’s been 6 months but I don’t and I think it will just come with time. 

His ex-girlfriend who was his first love texted him today and he ignored it. He said he hasn’t talked to her for a year and a half but I still question am doubtful. I don’t like the fact that she is trying to be back in his life. I don’t want to be second. One million and one questions come to my head when I think about it. Why is she texting him? Does she want him back? Is she missing him? What if he sees her when he goes back to PA and he rekindles his love for her? What if he would rather love her than love me? What if she seduces him, will he still say no? Will he even tell me? 

I love this boy to pieces and the thought of losing him brings tears to my eyes. Sometimes I have to remind myself when I’m alone that I do still enjoy time alone because I treasure every moment I have with him. He brings me such great happiness. We have shared tickle wars, wrestling fights, bubble baths, showers, beds, food, clothes, space, time together, kisses, intimacy, tv, video games, walks, secrets, stories, our past, controversy, and much more. 

I only have 52 more days with him until he leaves me for a long while so I’m going to share a movie with him right now. 

I’m blessed to be able to share my feelings with him and wordpress<3

Advertisements