I’ve been very sidetracked today. A lot has been going on in my life and I’ve been trying to cope with it all on top of my two finals tomorrow. There is only so much a girl can take but luckily I have A’s in both of the classes currently (excuses lol)!
My best friend left for the summer from college and she might not be coming back. Once that finally sank in, I had a good 10 minute cry over that. Crying is the only way I know to get my emotions out and move on. Running works too buy crying is a more quick and efficient way to do it. I finally figured out where I’m living this summer and I’m signing a big girl apartment lease tomorrow…it’s crazy. I also get to be with my boyfriend for two whole months straight this summer. How exciting ! From just weekends to everyday seeing his gorgeous face in the morning?! PUMPED is an understatement… I’m moving out of my dorm tomorrow to start my summer the time has flown by but I’ve realized so much about myself. #1 Realization: I don’t like being alone. That’s one thing that I’m coming to grips with later in life (that is I didn’t fully realize this in treatment). I’m writing this because my mom just messaged me saying “would you like me to drive a separate car and stay in the hotel with you so you’re not alone?” NO. I don’t want to be coddled in life, even though I was from a very young age. Tomorrow night I’m going to do a lot of self-evaluation and make a list of everything I love about myself. I’ll probably blog tomorrow night too!
I wish I could go back to the wilderness where there wasn’t a care in the world… I loved being one with nature because it loved me back. It peeled back the wall I built up and made me whole again without judging me through the process. I loved being with myself alone that is. Now there are so many distractions in life I want all of them to go away. I don’t want to worry about materialistic petty things I want to get in touch with my inner beauty. I want to honor my inner goddess. She needs nurturing too. Fuck phones and games honestly they are a waste. My dream is to live on a hillside in a quaint very humble abode with animals as my landscape and a husband to share the love of my simplicity.
But all in all, I’ve realized that I need to rely less on other people and spend more time alone. I must fall in love with myself all over again. I crave to be fully confident in my body like I was. I don’t want to curse the layer of fat at the base of my stomach. I want to own it. Own all of my flaws and talents.
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❤ Ally ❤