A Walk on the Beach

My boyfriend and I decided to take a walk on the beach tonight which led to deep conversations as we looked up into the night sky. He proceeded to ask me what love was. I was taken aback by the question and pondered it a while. I finally told him that I was going to go by the water line for a bit and I gather my thoughts. As I was thinking about love, I thought back to the moment I fell in love with Kendrick. I was scared as hell. All these feelings, thoughts and emotions were surging. I would try to open my mouth to speak but nothing would come out. I had so much to say yet I couldn’t say a thing. So I cried in his arms for a while every time those feelings came up I didn’t know how to handle them, or the bigger question was did he feel these things too? I thought for the longest time a year or two ago in a previous relationship that I loved Joe, but after feeling what love is I am positive I didn’t love Joe. Our relationship wasn’t spontaneous, and it faded easily once I became vegan. Love doesn’t fade, it gets stronger. I judged him for not accepting my veganism and he in turn judged me, it eventually went down hill quickly. Judgement ruins relationships and is not present in love. 

I am very emotional around Kendrick and I’m sure love has heightened the already intense emotions I experience. I believe I feel emotions more deeply than most which is a gift and a curse. I can feel others pain however I struggle coping with mine sometimes. 

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After gathering my thoughts and watching the tide kiss my toes, I went back to our spot sat down and hugged him as I told him my sporadic, brief definition of love. (I started by saying I’m much better expressing myself in writing but I would give it a shot) I think love is bliss, sometimes I feel like I’m melting. It is a deep feeling of connectedness with a person. It’s selfless because in love you’ve learned to treat someone as you would treat yourself. I had other things I wanted to say yet they escaped me at that moment but I’ll include them here… I watched the tide ebb and flow and saw wave in particular that was coming in at full speed towards me. I knew if I didn’t get up fast it would crash into me and I would be drenched and cold. I thought love was like being on an edge about to fall with exhilaration pumping through your veins just at the thought of the person. Love races at me and I try to grasp it with open arms but I can never catch it, it escapes me every time and leaves me breathless. This man can put a smile on my face before I go to bed even though we are 100 miles apart. The sense of connection doesn’t go away just because we aren’t physically nearby, that is my favorite part of love. I’ve lacked connection throughout my life, people have just seemed to come and go like a revolving door staying for a short time and then saying their farewells. I read a quote recently saying: “never say goodbye because saying goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting.” (peter pan) I’ve said goodbye to my past for good and as much as I want to go away and forget about it I never will. It has its way of creeping up into my pleasant life now and holds me back. My best friend at college might not be coming back and we told each other we aren’t going to say goodbye it’s just a see you later…but I hope that’s all it was. My boyfriend, Kendrick, is leaving for the air force another farewell that hopefully doesn’t turn into a goodbye… My two best friends from treatment, one has been smoking weed and I forced myself to say goodbye to her because she was hurting herself and the other I don’t feel close to. My parents, I’ve never trusted, they’ve always forced their views on my life. Every aspect of my life was judged, criticized and told could me improved upon. 

Kendrick went on to tell me his definition of love. He said that love is more than just a feeling, it’s not wanting to be without someone. It’s looking past all their flaws because you want to be with them despite their downfalls. You know you can physically be without them but wondering if you can live without them. Love is all about trusting someone completely with everything. Love can only be felt with certain people and once you feel that with someone you don’t want to let it go.

I struggle with trust. This is where my past refused to remove it’s grip on my life. I used to feel and be told I was a second choice. I had never felt what it was like to be someone’s one and only. I’d only dreamed of that. I’m starting to learn to feel that now. I’ve been hurt too many times to fully trust someone. I can give my heart to someone but still have reservations which stem from my own insecurities. I told Kendrick when he asked me if I trusted him no because I don’t fully, though I wish I did. I do trust him more than any other person in my life but when it comes to girls I have never trusted any guy. It has little to do with them and a lot to do with myself. I can say with confidence that I trust myself and I love myself. I’ve been through hell, and I trust my actions to the fullest. However, I struggle to feel love from another consistently. I often find myself wanting to be reassured. I have abandonment issues, I’m damaged goods. He didn’t know what he was getting into but he loves me regardless. I’m thankful for the moments where I feel love deeply because it moves me. I should be able to trust him completely now that it’s been 6 months but I don’t and I think it will just come with time. 

His ex-girlfriend who was his first love texted him today and he ignored it. He said he hasn’t talked to her for a year and a half but I still question am doubtful. I don’t like the fact that she is trying to be back in his life. I don’t want to be second. One million and one questions come to my head when I think about it. Why is she texting him? Does she want him back? Is she missing him? What if he sees her when he goes back to PA and he rekindles his love for her? What if he would rather love her than love me? What if she seduces him, will he still say no? Will he even tell me? 

I love this boy to pieces and the thought of losing him brings tears to my eyes. Sometimes I have to remind myself when I’m alone that I do still enjoy time alone because I treasure every moment I have with him. He brings me such great happiness. We have shared tickle wars, wrestling fights, bubble baths, showers, beds, food, clothes, space, time together, kisses, intimacy, tv, video games, walks, secrets, stories, our past, controversy, and much more. 

I only have 52 more days with him until he leaves me for a long while so I’m going to share a movie with him right now. 

I’m blessed to be able to share my feelings with him and wordpress<3

Supposed to be studying for finals…

I’ve been very sidetracked today. A lot has been going on in my life and I’ve been trying to cope with it all on top of my two finals tomorrow. There is only so much a girl can take but luckily I have A’s in both of the classes currently (excuses lol)!

My best friend left for the summer from college and she might not be coming back. Once that finally sank in, I had a good 10 minute cry over that. Crying is the only way I know to get my emotions out and move on. Running works too buy crying is a more quick and efficient way to do it. I finally figured out where I’m living this summer and I’m signing a big girl apartment lease tomorrow…it’s crazy. I also get to be with my boyfriend for two whole months straight this summer. How exciting ! From just weekends to everyday seeing his gorgeous face in the morning?! PUMPED is an understatement… I’m moving out of my dorm tomorrow to start my summer the time has flown by but I’ve realized so much about myself. #1 Realization: I don’t like being alone. That’s one thing that I’m coming to grips with later in life (that is I didn’t fully realize this in treatment). I’m writing this because my mom just messaged me saying “would you like me to drive a separate car and stay in the hotel with you so you’re not alone?” NO. I don’t want to be coddled in life, even though I was from a very young age. Tomorrow night I’m going to do a lot of self-evaluation and make a list of everything I love about myself. I’ll probably blog tomorrow night too!

I wish I could go back to the wilderness where there wasn’t a care in the world… I loved being one with nature because it loved me back. It peeled back the wall I built up and made me whole again without judging me through the process. I loved being with myself alone that is. Now there are so many distractions in life I want all of them to go away. I don’t want to worry about materialistic petty things I want to get in touch with my inner beauty. I want to honor my inner goddess. She needs nurturing too. Fuck phones and games honestly they are a waste. My dream is to live on a hillside in a quaint very humble abode with animals as my landscape and a husband to share the love of my simplicity.

But all in all, I’ve realized that I need to rely less on other people and spend more time alone. I must fall in love with myself all over again. I crave to be fully confident in my body like I was. I don’t want to curse the layer of fat at the base of my stomach. I want to own it. Own all of my flaws and talents. 

Blogging >> Therapists

<3 Ally <3

Spring break!

I’m so thankful to have a break from school my life has been really stressful lately and it’s nice to finally have some time to relax!

I got to go to whole foods today! I love going grocery shopping when I’m home because my mom gives me some money to spend on food! It’s not fun buying vegan food when you’re a broke college student..

I also made a hand painted reusable grocery bag made out of canvas today to sell at the farmers market alongside my baked goods!

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WOW has it been a long time since I’ve used posted on my blog !

Dear followers, if anyone is still out there… I apologize for my lack of communication…I’ve been extremely busy lately at college, but life has been going great! I have an awesome boyfriend…and guess what…. HE’S VEGAN :D It’s so nice to have some who shares in the wonderful lifestyle. I no longer have to struggle alone at restaurants or looks like the weird picky one (now we can be weird together!). We cook together all the time and quite frankly, It’s just fantastic! 

I’ve also made some really great friends over the past semester and a half. They share my beliefs and morals and we study hours upon hours together for the same classes. We both have rigorous courses but we take on the battle together! This week is the week before spring break so I don’t have that much to do thankfully therefore I’m able to catch up on some much needed blogging! 

Hopefully I’ll be able to find some spare time here and there to blog about my college life. There is just so much I could go on and on about! I’ll definitely be posting some pictures of Kendrick and I. Oh I also turned 19 on the 17th of this month. So that is very exciting! I’ve also started a vegan baked goods business called the Two Broke Bakers we have a page on Facebook if anyone reading this would like to learn more about us (: My best friend and I bake for 12 hours every Friday in preparation for the Farmer’s Market on Saturday morning from 8-2. It’s so much fun and we have so many people who love our business. I think the best part about our business is the fact that we are selling healthy alternatives to desserts that contain high amount of saturated fats and cholesterol. 

I’ve also been fighting my school about getting an apartment next year in order to get off the meal plan. The cafeteria at my school has so few healthy options…it’s horrible. I’m stuck eating the same thing over and over again with very little variation. Being able to live in an apartment will allow me to cook all my meals and my parents will put the money that was designated to the meal plan towards my own food routine. This will allow me the proper nutrition I need in order to keep an active lifestyle and reduce the amount of oil I’m intaking. EVERYTHING is covered with oil at my school it’s so gross….

But yeah if y’all are still reading, let me know what you would like me to post about and I would be more than happy to obligge (:

Toodles! Pics will be posted soon! 

7/29 Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner

Breakfast: 

Went to Simon’s coffee house for some oatmeal with chia seeds, blueberries, black berries, strawberries, walnuts and raisins!! IT WAS DELICIOUS. I ate the whole bowl (: I also had the hulk smoothie with pineapple, peach and banana with green pea protein powder! I also had a 1 oz. wheat grass shot. Definitely splurged today (: It was a reward after getting my blood drawn!

Lunch: 

I had some leftover vegan pot pie and a bowl of canteloupe 

Dinner:

I went to Veritori’s Pizza and had butternut squash ravioli and two pieces of vegan pizza with 9 grain crust, daiya cheese, broccoli, olives and mushrooms! I was hungry lol I also had a chocolate cupcake with rasberry frosting!! 

Definitely going to need to go cycling tomorrow haha…